Friday, March 19, 2004
On the Disposal of the One Ring and The Great Religious Icons
Frodo redeemed all of Middle Earth by slogging from the Shire to Mordor, bearing the Ring like a small, round cross. Love motivated him and kept him moving even past all hope: love of friends, family, all things green and, or course, Sam. Because he was ordinary, and moved by love (as opposed to Mister Blood and Destiny, Aragorn) he shuffled out of the standard Reluctant Hero spotlight and into the blinding white glow of Messiah.
Which begs the question: in the alternate histories of Middle Earth, what did other Messiahs do when given the Ring of Power?
Krishna concluded that if the Universe meant for the Ring to be destroyed, it would happen. While he was sitting at home waiting for the Ring to be destroyed, the Nazgul came and hacked him to pieces, which was also meant to be.
Lao Tzu seeking the easiest path to destroy the Ring, hopped onto the back of Gwaihir, the giant eagle, and flew to Mordor. Unfortunately, several hundred orc bowmen saw their approach and turned them into a feathered pincushion.
Sid Hartha sat beneath the largest, most beautiful Malorn tree in Lothlorien and meditated with the Ring. He achieved Nirvana, but unfortunately ignored the Nazgul who plucked the Ring from his lap and ran back to Sauron.
Mohammed traveled and preached throughout the Southern tribes, uniting them through faith in Allah and Sharia law. He then declared Jihad against Mordor. His mighty armies, bolstered by the power of the Ring and hundreds of Oliphaunts, crushed Mordor, breaking the Black Gates and reducing Barad Dur to rubble. After Sauron was stoned to death, all the orcs, trolls and goblins converted to Islam. Mohammed, corrupted by the power of the Ring, declared Jihad against men, elves and dwarves. All of Middle Earth burned.
Mahatma Gandhi led thousands of loyal followers on a peaceful march from the Shire to The Black Gates. They lost half their number to Saruman’s raiding parties on the plains of Rohan, but persevered. At the Black Gates, they sat down, blocking the exit. The Mahatma began a hunger strike. When the gates opened, the orc army beat the unresisting protesters to bloody pulps, delaying their march to Gondor by half a day as they worked to clear the bodies.
Jesus of Nazareth heard the voice of God, telling him that Middle Earth could only be redeemed through his suffering and death. Jesus agreed, albeit reluctantly, and started preaching love and tolerance in Osgilliath. Shortly after his arrival, his best friend Judas Gamgee betrayed Jesus to the Witch King for a box of salt and a length of elven rope. Jesus was captured and brutally beaten by orcs. They took him before the Witch King, and as a final act of defiance, Jesus swallowed the One Ring. The furious Witch King ordered the orcs to scourge Jesus’s flesh and march him to Barad Dur to see Sauron. They beat him with metal tipped whips. His blood and flesh flew into the air… in… slow… motion. After much suffering and pain, Jesus stood before Sauron, still defiant. Sauron gutted him like a fish and took his damn Ring back.
[Note: Any factual or philosophical errors should be addressed to Her Holiness, The Reverend Katherine Turner]
