Frantik Girl
Tuesday, March 23, 2004
Immigrate or Emigrate?
“Like so many Americans…” I’m tired of writing that phrase. I don’t want to be like so many Americans. To this end, I am looking toward immigrating to England. England is just a destination, shorthand for ‘anywhere but here.’ They speak English (or so I’m told), have national healthcare, itty bitty cars and weather similar to Seattle. ‘So many Americans’ don’t live in England either, so there’s an advantage too.
Obviously there are obstacles. I took five years to move the 40 miles from Tacoma to Seattle, so London seems a long way off. I don’t have a passport, nor any money, nor a career that I could parley into a work visa. I’ve never been to England either, although I assume I’d like it… and I’m usually right about these things. I do love Seattle… but it’s an alienating place… cockeyed city blocks separated by roaring streets that makes walking through downtown like traversing a series of flooded rivers. And then, once you come to the center of it, there’s nothing… a commercial wasteland.
I have to get off of this coast. I’ve never been anywhere else, and if I’m to be a writer I have to see more and feel more… experience love and death to paraphrase William Styron. I can’t do that here. This place is too sterile; where they regularly bulldoze any structure over twenty years old and the populace wanders around with confused eyes trying to find an identity among the Erector Set apartment buildings and chain stores.
I’m probably wrong. Perhaps I’ll be miserable no matter where I go. Nonetheless, I feel a growing compulsion to leave.
Friday, March 19, 2004
On the Disposal of the One Ring and The Great Religious Icons
Frodo redeemed all of Middle Earth by slogging from the Shire to Mordor, bearing the Ring like a small, round cross. Love motivated him and kept him moving even past all hope: love of friends, family, all things green and, or course, Sam. Because he was ordinary, and moved by love (as opposed to Mister Blood and Destiny, Aragorn) he shuffled out of the standard Reluctant Hero spotlight and into the blinding white glow of Messiah.
Which begs the question: in the alternate histories of Middle Earth, what did other Messiahs do when given the Ring of Power?
Krishna concluded that if the Universe meant for the Ring to be destroyed, it would happen. While he was sitting at home waiting for the Ring to be destroyed, the Nazgul came and hacked him to pieces, which was also meant to be.
Lao Tzu seeking the easiest path to destroy the Ring, hopped onto the back of Gwaihir, the giant eagle, and flew to Mordor. Unfortunately, several hundred orc bowmen saw their approach and turned them into a feathered pincushion.
Sid Hartha sat beneath the largest, most beautiful Malorn tree in Lothlorien and meditated with the Ring. He achieved Nirvana, but unfortunately ignored the Nazgul who plucked the Ring from his lap and ran back to Sauron.
Mohammed traveled and preached throughout the Southern tribes, uniting them through faith in Allah and Sharia law. He then declared Jihad against Mordor. His mighty armies, bolstered by the power of the Ring and hundreds of Oliphaunts, crushed Mordor, breaking the Black Gates and reducing Barad Dur to rubble. After Sauron was stoned to death, all the orcs, trolls and goblins converted to Islam. Mohammed, corrupted by the power of the Ring, declared Jihad against men, elves and dwarves. All of Middle Earth burned.
Mahatma Gandhi led thousands of loyal followers on a peaceful march from the Shire to The Black Gates. They lost half their number to Saruman’s raiding parties on the plains of Rohan, but persevered. At the Black Gates, they sat down, blocking the exit. The Mahatma began a hunger strike. When the gates opened, the orc army beat the unresisting protesters to bloody pulps, delaying their march to Gondor by half a day as they worked to clear the bodies.
Jesus of Nazareth heard the voice of God, telling him that Middle Earth could only be redeemed through his suffering and death. Jesus agreed, albeit reluctantly, and started preaching love and tolerance in Osgilliath. Shortly after his arrival, his best friend Judas Gamgee betrayed Jesus to the Witch King for a box of salt and a length of elven rope. Jesus was captured and brutally beaten by orcs. They took him before the Witch King, and as a final act of defiance, Jesus swallowed the One Ring. The furious Witch King ordered the orcs to scourge Jesus’s flesh and march him to Barad Dur to see Sauron. They beat him with metal tipped whips. His blood and flesh flew into the air… in… slow… motion. After much suffering and pain, Jesus stood before Sauron, still defiant. Sauron gutted him like a fish and took his damn Ring back.
[Note: Any factual or philosophical errors should be addressed to Her Holiness, The Reverend Katherine Turner]
Thursday, March 18, 2004
Portent(?)
Today I stopped by the grocery store on my way to work. It was mostly empty, aside from a few chipper (and otherwise) employees. After handing me my ten dollars cash back, the pudgy, middle aged cash register jockey said unto me:
"Don't get blown away out there, beware the Ides of March."
She then walked away and disappeared behind a rack of chocolate cakes.
I felt like a razor sharp icicle scratched down my spine and stood dumbly next to the pastel toys imprisoned in the claw machine. Outside, the wind blew the new leaves on the trees into a frenzy, and covered the streets with thousands of dead cherry flowers. Surely she only meant be careful of the strong wind when she said 'blown away'... and it was March, and the Ides of March naturally fell sometime around now, could even be today.
I walked to my car, my hair whipped around my face. I could dismiss her warning, but that had been Caesar's mistake. I drew my jacket closer to my body and hunched my shoulders, noting with a wary eye, the black clouds rolling in from the west.
Wednesday, March 17, 2004
Review of Dawn of the Dead
Fast zombies are controversial… not in the same way as late term abortions are controversial, but among horror aficionados, the debate rages: can zombies run? As a devout liberal (with libertarian leanings) I say that whatever makes the zombies happy should be allowed. They seem to want to run, run free and bloody, and I say huzzah. Kinetic zombies are also a shitload scarier than their shambling cousins. I have seen the George Romero classic, Night of the Living Dead and was unimpressed. Horror classics rarely stand the test of time, especially as modern taste has rendered the public largely immune to guy-in-rubber-suit style thrills. A zombie that takes half the film to cross the front lawn, is simply not a terrible threat… you could jog down to Walmart, buy a shotgun, come back (with a Slurpee) and blow the guy’s head off before he reached the porch.
In the new Dawn of the Dead, based on Romero’s slightly less classic Living Dead sequel, the dead sprint, jump, twitch and dance (there’s a scene in the middle of the film where a large crowd of them amble around in pointless circles, making them look like Glenn Miller night at the old folks home). The dead are threatening, restless and plentiful, which gives the movie a palpable sense of dread and hopelessness. Any joy the characters derive from living, rent and tax free in a fully stocked mall is tempered by the realization that any respite is fleeting, and ultimately empty. They know that it’s only a matter of time until they all die and rise again. Which makes this the feel good movie of the year.
Don’t mistake me, this isn’t Sophie’s Choice. The characters in Dawn of the Dead are fairly shallow, if entertaining. Sarah Polley and Ving Rhames both stand out of an otherwise unremarkable cast. Polley’s performance is subtle, which is typical for her, but it helps us to believe her sadness, strength and vulnerability… she should be applauded for eschewing the chest beating, Sigourney Weaver route. Rhames plays his tough cop character coldly throughout, but gives us one or two moments when we see his façade break into grief.
The highest praise I can give a horror film is to say that I had trouble sleeping. The Ring kept me up nights for a week. Dawn of the Dead kept me up till Letterman… less worried that a zombie would attack me in my sleep, and more worried that the building would be surrounded when I woke up the next morning. What the hell could I do? I have little food in the house. I’d end up eating the cat food, then probably the cats. I have no weapons… just the samurai sword, and what good would that be against the hordes of undead who only need to bite you to cause an agonizing, unnatural death? Indeed, I am ill prepared for Armageddon, or even a small earthquake.
Given that I live on a series of small faults, I should rationally concern myself more with the latter than the former; yet I can't seem to get as excited about it.
Saturday, March 13, 2004
Which is More Depressing? Schindler’s List or Bridget Jones’s Diary: A Comparison
Schindler’s List is a movie about man’s infinite capacity for hatred and cruelty; and how one race of people, motivated by prejudice, wiped out twelve million souls, leaving pain and misery in the vacuum.
Bridget Jones’s Diary is about one woman in her thirties who is dissatisfied with her job, her weight and her love life. She fears that she will never find love and happiness and she spends most of her nights drinking alone in her apartment, watching TV.
Being both Jewish and a pathetic urban single, I react strongly to both stories… but given that I am sad and lonely at this instant, and a murderous totalitarian police state that will murder people is not imminent… at least not until after the November election… I find Bridget’s story has more personal resonance.
Advantage: Bridget Jones
Schindler's List stars Liam Neeson, playing Oskar Schindler… who starts out as a self absorbed war profiteer and learns the value of life and compassion.
Bridget Jones’s Diary stars Renee Zellweger who put on 30 pounds to play the role of an overweight, sloppy woman. At her heaviest she weighed in at a whopping 140…
I would have to cut off both of my legs and one arm to weigh 140.
Advantage: Bridget Jones
In the end of Schindler's List, Oskar saves over a thousand lives and is beloved among the survivors of the Holocaust, although his personal and professional life is doomed to fail ever after.
In the end of Bridget Jones’s Diary, Bridget falls in love with stuffy lawyer Colin Firth, proving that there is someone for everyone.
Having neither saved thousands of lives nor fallen in love, I find it hard to compare these two. What I fear however, is that my life will be closer the Schindler's List ending… without the life saving and tree planting on the Avenue of the Righteous. This actually makes the Bridget Jones’s Diary ending the more depressing, because having the happy ending rubbed in my face makes me want to eat many, many ice creams.
Game, set and match: Bridget Jones’s Diary.
Friday, March 12, 2004
Smarvelous
I work eight hours a day surrounded by screaming germ bags and their idiot parents. It is hollow, repetitive and boring, punctuated by periods of tear-your-hair-out madness. I'm bored with this life, and I'm sure you don't want to hear about it. Therefore, I'm going to write a fictional entry about my fabulous, glamorous life (a la Sex in the City):
Today, I woke up later than usual. The one problem with pillow-top mattresses and 500 thread count sheets is that they feel like the womb, and I'm often as reluctant to leave as a fetus. So I didn't manage to tumble out of bed until noon, by which time I simply had to get to the Four Seasons to meet 'E.' I took a quick shower, threw on my Chanel suit (Very Jackie-O) and because I was feeling saucy, I passed over the Audi and Mercedes and opted for the Jaguar. I barreled out of Mercer Island at about 75 miles per hour, but the rich person's lane was unusually full for the time of day and as we approached Seattle, I was forced to slow to a maddening 60.
I pushed a button on the dashboard. "Robot Car... Please call 'E' and tell her I'll be late please." It always pays to be extra polite to your artificially intelligent automobile.
The light blinked and a soothing feminine voice glided through the surround-sound speakers. "Yes Mistress... making call now. If I may say, you sound as if you are experiencing stress. Shall I also schedule a hair, skin, eye and massage treatment at the Magnifico Spa?"
My entire body melted at just the mention of the Magifico. My skin smelled like cinnamon rolls for days after a visit. But I demurred, thinking how simply packed my schedule was that day.
"No thank you Car. Pretty please call my agent and confirm that the 'We Love Everything Katherine Turner Ever Wrote' Ceremony is indeed tonight, and confirm that all three of my lovers will be available for dinner before, during and after the festivities." I thought about what I was missing... "Oh yes, be a dear and have all my enemies assassinated, and call my personal trainer for a virtual workout. That's CALL my personal trainer, not KILL him... I don't want a repeat of what happened last time."
The car set about its tasks and I settled back into the rich Cornithian Leather. My life was simply perfect and wonderful in every way.
