Frantik Girl
Friday, September 05, 2003
Urban Legends of the Future
The Mecha and the Alley (first told in 2057, by a friend of a friend who knew the guy who sold the guy the replacement robot heads).
Late on night in the red light district of Neo-Seattle, two homeland security officers on their regular patrol witnessed a man, guiding a young woman with short black hair and blue eyes into a dark alley. Suspicious, the officers followed the man at a discreet distance. When they caught up with him, they found the man beating the woman over the head with a crow bar. The officers moved to intervene, but when they reached him, they discovered that the black haired women’s head had been split open, and that she was in fact, an advanced sex mecha. The officers asked the man for his proof of ownership, which the man provided; and since there was no law against destroying your own robot, the officers allowed the man to go about his business. The man picked up the mecha and stuffed her into the trunk of his car.
A few weeks later, the same officers saw the same man dragging a broken mecha out of the same alley. When they looked closer they saw that it was the same model as before, and that the smashed head had black hair and blue eyes. The man dumped the robot into the back of his car and drove away.
The next week, the officers saw the man walking arm in arm with the black haired, blue eyed mecha. They talked quietly, as the man guided his robot into the now notorious alley. The bored officers decided that they wanted to sneak a look at the man and his sex-bot, just to see what the pervert was doing in that alley before he smashed the machine’s head in. As they reached the alley, they heard a scream and the sound of a crowbar hitting something soft and decidedly non-metallic. When they turned the corner, they saw the man standing over the black haired women, the crowbar in his hand and covered in human blood. The woman was dead, her all too human head crushed just like the robots’ had been. The officers arrested the man immediately and convicted him of murder.
When they asked him why he had previously brought the mechanicals to the alley, the man simply said, “Practice makes perfect.”
The Chihuahua and the Teleporter (first told in 3143 by a girl who knew a girl in gym class who’s grandmother actually did this).
Old Mrs. Jones was out walking her Chihuahua, Mitsy along the rim of the Galileo Planitia, when the Martian weather control system suffered a hiccough. Apparently, one of the technicians was playing Tetris and accidentally triggered a thunderstorm. Poor Old Mrs. Jones and Mitsy were soaked to the bone by the time they hobbled home.
Now once they got home, Old Mrs. Jones was worried about Mitsy, because the little dog was shivering; but she supposedly had the new, anti-shiver bio-mods. So Old Mrs. Jones wanted to get poor Mitsy dry fast. She heard somewhere that you could get things dry super fast if you used the personal teleporter and teleported away the water. So she put poor Mitsy in the machine and told the teleporter to “remove the water.” The teleporter complied, and poor Mitsy was instantly dried, inside and out… leaving her perfectly preserved, shiver-free and unfortunately, dead.
Death by Spam (first told in 2009 by the cousin of a friend of the man who made the call).
So this girl was spending a quiet evening at home by herself; but she left her holophone on just in case her boyfriend called. Unfortunately, she’d been getting a lot of spam recently.
Just as she sat down in front of the TV to watch Survivor Deathmatch, her holophone trilled and up sprang the message in lurid red letters: “There’s a killer in your home!” Surprised and a little frightened, she opened the message. It said: “Radon gas emissions are a silent killer lurking in your home… protect yourself with Rado-meter ™…” Disgusted, she deleted the message and continued watching her program.
A few minutes later the phone rang again, and another message appeared: “There’s a killer in your home!!” Grumbling, the girl opened the message and found another Rado-meter™ advertisement.
Several more times in the next few minutes, she got spammed, all of them saying: “There’s a killer in your home!!!” Exasperated, she finally turned off the phone and stuffed it away in her purse.
The next morning the girl’s roommate returned home from her trip. The girl was on the couch, dead with her throat cut. Later, the roommate found twenty messages on the girl’s phone, all with the same subject line… half from Rado-meter™ incorporated, and half from the kinky old man with the telescope who lived across the street.
